I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
