So drunk its hurt
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
