dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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