What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Gay?
German.
Pity.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
