I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Still dying that you shit outside
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
