The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
