i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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