im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
