Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
