I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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