Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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