I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we're making bets on your personal life
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
