for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
