I think my fart just growled at me.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
