trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
As shirtless as possible
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
