Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
