Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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