yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
barbara walters just said penis...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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