if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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