Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
