My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
