Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
