Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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