I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
