Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
