It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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