Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Drake has all the answers
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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