I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
