No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
please come you make the beer taste better
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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