chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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