there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
