Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
