he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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