Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
