I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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