I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
