I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
