I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
