I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
God I need to hump something, right now.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
