I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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