you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
