soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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