1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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