Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I will pee on everything he values.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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