ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
