I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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