im six kinds of drunk right now
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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