I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
