apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
