you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
