It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
