booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Help. Why am I so naked?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
