That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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