Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
