dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
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I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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