he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
