Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
