Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
